Really if you were to investigate truly the questions or doubts you may have had prior to tying the knot you may have been able to avoid marrying the wrong person. I think that a lot of frustration and fighting that go on in a marriage, whether it is for 2 years or 10 years, could have only been avoided by not marrying in the first place.
I have done several individual counseling sessions with people who are married and of course have had them in together for family sessions while I worked at Red River Recovery Center and at Helen Farabee Center over on Broad St.
And of course I have run into couples that I know at Wal-Mart or some restaurant, if you have lived here in Wichita Falls as long as I have you can almost go anywhere and run into people you know.
But anyway what concerns me are the couples I have come across who seemingly have nothing in common. They cannot agree on red or black, whether a joke is or not, yes I have heard couples fights start over a joke.
Obvious that means there are other underlying issues, my question is, are those issues that should have been identified prior to the “I DO’s” were made. I guess you could consider this a follow up article to my last one because we are talking about habits and heartache that will bleed into our children’s lives.
Here is a few reasons may marry for the person; 1.You pick the wrong person because you expect him or her to change after you’re married.The classic mistakes, never marry potential. The golden rule is, if you can’t be happy with the person the way he or she is now, don’t get married.
As a colleague of mine so wisely put it, “You actually can expect people to change after they’re married… for the worst!” So when it comes to the other person’s spirituality, character, personal hygiene, communication skills, and personal habits, make sure you can live with these as they are now.
2.You pick the wrong person because you focus more on chemistry than on character.Chemistry ignites the fire, but good character keeps it burning. Beware of the “I’m in love” syndrome. “I’m in love” often means, “I’m in lust.” Attraction is there, but have you carefully checked out this person’s character?
Here are four character traits to definitely check for: Humility: Does this person believe that “doing the right thing” is more important than personal comfort? Kindness: Does this person enjoy giving pleasure to other people? How does she or he treat people she or he doesn’t have to be nice to?
Does she or he do volunteer work? Give to charity? Responsibility: Can I depend on this person to do what she or he says she or he’s going to do? Happiness: Does this person like himself? Does she or he enjoy life? Is she or he emotionally stable?
Ask yourself: Do I want to be more like this person? Do I want to have a child with this person? Would I like my child to turn out like him or her? Here are some thoughts from therapist Jennifer Gauvain, “We can rationalize anything.
But when we talk ourselves into dating the wrong guy or girl, that’s where the potential for lifelong heartache begins. So after hearing one too many clients admit they had doubts about their relationship long before the wedding, the therapist in me wondered what I could do to change that.”
“I want to clarify that the doubts were not the garden-variety nerves that typically accompany any life-changing decision. They weren’t just “cold feet” or “wedding day jitters.” “Rather, the women in my study talked about issues, concerns, doubts and other red flags that existed throughout the course of their relationship.”
Not just on their wedding day. The problem was that they had brushed their concerns aside. Instead of facing up to the red flags or exploring their gut feelings — they squelched them and stayed in the relationship anyway.”
Very good points Jennifer, I can only speak from my experiences here in Wichita Falls, marriages are ending for some very strange reasons. Some of those reasons stem from way before the wedding day.