What Detroiter doesn’t remember Anita Baker’s Rapture? One of the best musical moments in our city’s history was when one of our very own created this masterpiece. Filled with so much warmth, love and even some of the insecurities of being in love, you could hear it playing on just about every stereo in Detroit in the mid 1980’s. In the midst of all of its greatness, there was a song on that album that spoke of the consistency that we all seek when we’re in a relationship. Something that’s not only missing in the music of today, it’s missing in the relationships of today.
“Your love never changes. It’s like a picture in a frame. And it remains the same.”
With that line in the song “Same Ole Love”, Anita said it all to me when it comes to love. There are some lines that we’ve blurred in relationships these days. It usually involves love and (money, sex or fill in the blank). We seem to have forgotten that love has the ability to stand on its own. Love is not all it takes to make a relationship work, but giving love in a consistent fashion can’t be understated.
This is why some men are exposed after the wedding. They’ve done so many things that were above and beyond before the wedding and once things slow down after the wedding, the wife is looking for the man she dated. Unfortunately, she keeps running into the man that she married. Once you’ve reached the altar, jumped the broom or whatever your tradition is, your biggest challenge isn’t always trying to take things to a higher level of love. It’s about being consistent with the love you gave during the dating and engagement process and allowing your love to grow to that higher level.
We hear a lot about keeping the spark and spicing things up, but I’m willing to bet that most women will notice your lack of consistency quicker than they will notice the fact that you stopped trying to find new ways to hang from the chandelier. What’s never explained when you hear of people looking for a constant sexual adventure is that anything done in repetition becomes repetitious. And boring. And ordinary. And the norm.
Strangely enough, it’s the simplicity of love that becomes the “exotic” thing she’s in search of. We have to remember that we can keep the fires burning in our love lives without always having to cause an explosion. If you look to cause fireworks with every display of love, then that’s what will be expected of you.
This isn’t just a sexual issue though. It’s also true with the amount of money that we spend trying to impress women. Maybe I’m just old fashioned or maybe the women that I’ve learned from are, but I’ve found that the basics of love are what keep them happy, while remembering that at times, you have to do something special to remind her that she’s special.
For example, Christmas is a special time of year for many reasons. But one of the things that make Christmas so special is that it’s not happening every day or every month. It comes once a year and that helps it to stand out. We can’t treat the true expression of love this way. If I never express my love to my wife on a regular basis, whenever I do, she may view that as “special”. That should never be. My expressing my love to my wife should be as natural as me breathing.
If you ask an older celebrity that’s led a rock star life what makes them happy, unless they’re trying to live up to an image or trying to kill themselves, they’ll tell you that they want something quiet, normal and consistent. It’s great to wanna reach for the sexual and monetary stars at times, but at some point, the only star that matters is the one you have right next to you.
Adventure has its place in relationship happiness, but so does comfort of consistency. At some point, trying to climb every mountain you see gets boring and you start to envy everyone that’s grounded. In this world, we often attempt to reinvent things that are just fine the way they are. Love doesn’t need a change. Love doesn’t need a spark. Love doesn’t need to be what you do on special occasions. Love just needs to be given consistently. When you think you need someone (or something) new, sometimes it just won’t do. You just need the same ole love.