There are a million things to know about sex you’ll never learn from an article.
If there is one thing everyone should know, it’s that sex is hard work. There’s no skating by on your good looks when it comes to intercourse, so if you’re not half dead, sweaty, and gasping like a geyser on a respirator by the time you’re done, you’re not doing it right.
The great thing about sex is that anyone can do it well if the effort is there. Even a paraplegic will outsex you, given the chance. With that being said, here are some basic tips to upgrade your sex life from “not bad” to “I came so hard I forgot my own name.”
Kiss me, don’t shove your tongue down my throat: Kissing is your signature, and it speaks to your partner much louder than words can. A peck can mean “I gotta go,” while a deep, passionate, 10-second Frencher means, “Why aren’t your clothes off yet?” And those dry, listless, closed-mouth, tight-lipped excuses? Well, leave those on the cheek of your Grandma where they belong. Get exciting with your kisses! Bite lips, lick them unexpectedly, grab the back of their neck, anything to keep it from being boring. Kissing well opens opportunities (and legs) quite often, so feel free to explore your partner’s body while you do it. And by no means does this mean choke your tongue down anyone’s throat; leave the erotic asphyxiation to the experts.
Those hands are made for walking: The hands are the catalyst to great sex, so they should both being working hard at all times. There are at least a few places on your partner’s body that, if touched, will turn them on. Think of your hands as explorers, going boldly where no man has gone before. Those hands should be pulling hair, massaging necks and shoulders, grabbing fat butts and breasts, highly intelligent bachelorettes….
Sorry, got lost there for a second.
But seriously, before you even move on to intercourse, both your hands should be tired of touching.
“Let your body talk” is just a song: Talking dirty is an art to be mastered, not a few grunts you haphazardly utter to break the silence. It keeps your partner from thinking too much, which will distract her from the fact that you’ve been trying to open her bra for the last five minutes to no avail. Tell him/her what you’re doing, your desires, your fantasies, or simply ask them how they want it. If all else fails, do the Hellen Keller, and talk with your hips.
Okay, don’t do that. Just imitate good dirty talk until you sound legit.
Stay on the scene like a sex machine: James Brown wasn’t kidding. Once actual sex ensues, you’ve literally got to stay on your partner until you’re (both) done. Be aggressive! Your partner will get excited, and short of slapping them, there isn’t much you can’t do. The great thing about sexing right is that you don’t have to have hour-long marathons, because you already had foreplay (which, if done correctly, brought your partner close to Yahtzee a few times already). Leave missionary to missionaries: go all out with whatever positions you know, and hell, invent a few ones too.
Communicate: No matter what happens during foreplay or sex, communicate with your partner. That’s the only way you’ll know where the boundaries are, and that’s the only way to find out what works, and what doesn’t.
What are some other tips for the sexually challenged brothers and sisters out there? What do y’all who get no sex do besides masturbate furiously? Lemme know.